LOOSE CHANGE

August 20th, 2007. Robert Plant's 59th birthday.

You were supposed to die Robert Plant! We do not like to see our Rock Gods get old!

In the Seventies, any member of the Boomer Generation either wanted to be you or do you!

Your image was so powerful that there would have been no David Lee Roth, no Vince Neal, no Bret Michaels, no David Coverdale, no Sebastian Bach, no Kip Winger and no Axl Rose without Robert Plant. There would have been no White Snake, White Lion, Def Leopard, Poison, Ratt, Motley Crue, Night Ranger, Skid Row, Slaughter, and on and on!

Hell, even Roger Daltrey wanted to be Robert Plant!

Elvis, Lennon, Rick Nelson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Michael Hutchence. They all knew they had to get an early ticket on Freebird Airlines! Live fast, die young, leave a good-lookin' corpse! I'm sorry, Man but you should have bought a Stairway to Rock-n-Roll Heaven!  You could have easily OD'd, but NO-O-O!!

And don't try off-ing yourself now, Man! It's too late! We've already seen your fat saggy old ass! You blew it!

Didn't you ever see "Cat Ballou"?  In that movie Lee Marvin played an old gunfighter past his prime who had to pull it together for one last show down. He even resorted to a girdle to create the illusion that he was still one bad-ass mofo because if you can't hold it together, you're at least supposed to fake it!

Springsteen and Aerosmith had the best years of their careers when they decided to get healthy. You could've hit the gym with a personal trainer and got a face lift.
If you're going to keep the hair you may as well keep the sideburns too; they made your face look thinner back in the day, but NO! You had to let your metabolism slow down! You had to loose elasticity in your skin! You had to be human! You had to take the easy way! My wife always said you Brits were a bunch a pansies!

Aging is inevitable but if you're a Sex Symbol, you've got to keep it together or die, otherwise, you ruin the whole thing! Listen, I'm sorry, it's not my fault, that's the rules! Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield checked out. Raquel Welsh and Ann-Margret still look good! They did what they had to do to age gracefully. James Dean checked out, Sean Connery and Harrison Ford still look good. And Bettie Page has the good sense to stay out of sight!

But you, you're like Brando! Started out a beautiful man, had the gift of talent to the end and LOOKED LIKE SHIT! Is that how you want it Mr. Rock God?

Just what are you trying to say, Robert? That there are no Rock Gods? That you are enjoying a middle-aged lifestyle? That I can't expect you to stay young forever? That you are just like everybody else?  That MY youth is over?

You disgust me.

Pug D. Lead Air-Guitarist of TasteeTees.com

I could never fathom what particular mental abberation allows the existence of a consumer base for a beverage that contains liquified sea creatures!

Yes, I'm talking about Clamato - Clam juice and Tomatos! WTF!?

But Hey! Why stop there?...

Kids, don't forget to ask Mom to pick up all of our great new Fruity Funny Fish Flavors in handy 8-pak juice boxes!

There's
Laffy Leach-n-Lime
Barnacle Bill Banana
Jolly Juicy Jellyfish
Groovy Grubworm Grape
Cheery Chum Cherry
Chunky Lungfish Punch
Boisterous Oyster Orange
and
Mod Scrod-apple!

And don't forget our newest Funny Fish Flavor sensation - Silly Squidberry!

So hurry down to your Grocer's today!
You'll glug a slug in every jug of Fruity Funny Fish!

Another fine product from the mind of Pugnacious D, Your Irascible Rascal at TasteeTees.com

During a dog grooming episode of the Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs” broadcast on April 30, 2006 censors found it necessary to blur out the genitals of dogs!

Are there really people who are offended by naked animals!? All animals are naked. That is the way nature intends it. This is not evil or sinful or even sexual!

Why stop with the animal kingdom? Maybe television censors should blur out cucumbers, bananas and mushrooms as well?

If naked animals are offensive on television, they must be offensive in real life. Perhaps we should pass laws requiring all animals to wear clothing!

Do we need bras on turkey breasts? Will the cows wear breast-feeding bras so they can be milked?
If animals wear pants, who will change their diapers?

Then we can get into animal fashion, animal jewelry and animal lingerie because in order to be offended by animal genitals one must first find them to be sexually arousing! What is offensive here, the animals or the people who find them offensive!

I think rather than censoring nature we would be better served by rounding up everyone who is offended by nature and get them into programs of counseling or de-programming, or failing that -sterilization and larynx removal.

So says Pugnacious D, Chief Bullshit Detector at TasteeTees.com

Pug D: Hi Jane, Is this your first interview? Don’t be nervous, I’ve done this plenty of times. If it helps, you can picture me naked. I know it’s working for me.

HR Jane: That won’t be necessary. Now, Mr. D, How much were you wanting to make at this position?

Pug D: You know, If you pay people too much, there’s no incentive for them to do work. Look at your CEOs for example. What do they do? I don’t want to be greedy. Let’s say, Oh, 750K. To be honest, if you pay me more than that I’ll quit and retire after a couple of years. Seriously!

HR Jane: Well, I don’t think we’ll have anything to worry about there.
Tell me, Mr. D. Why do you want to work for this company?

Pug D: I want to be a Corporate Cog, Jane! I want to be a rodent in the Rat Race! I want to be micro-managed by mental midgets! I want to be overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, and unacknowledged! I want to be a kiss-ass to assholes and a brown-noser to white collars! I want to be ignored, second-guessed, or dictated to by supervisors who have no skills in my job description. I want to be viewed as negative and “not a team-player” whenever I point out problems that need to be addressed. But more importantly I want to smile vacantly at anyone who passes for no apparent reason.

HR Jane: Now, now, Mr. D. I think you’re putting me on just a little bit!

Pug D: Well, That is a good question, Jane, Why would I want to work for this company?

Do I get my own office so I don’t have to hear my co-workers’ poor music choices, idle banter, and attempts to save my soul? So I can close the door when the place turns into “Bring Your Brats to Work Day” every day the schools are closed?

Do you have flex-time as long as I get my work done or do you insist that I sit in traffic for hours each week at $3 a gallon?

Will I have to wear a sweater indoors every day because vice-president-fat-ass-in-charge-of-the-thermostat wants to keep the temperature set to “meat locker” because his office has a greenhouse effect picture window?

Do I have the opportunity for advancement so that If I give good effort I can be rewarded by becoming an expensive liability and unexpectedly laid off?

HR Jane: Let’s just move on. Why should this company hire you?

Pug D: Think of me as a CBC, a Corporate Biological Commodity. I have no needs other than to serve the company. Isn’t that what you want to hear? I am even willing to wear a catheter so I don’t have to take pee breaks. I know that’s just down-time! Remind me to outline my plan for exercycles at every desk to power the office. After all, we’re just sitting there aren’t we?

HR Jane: What would you say are your weakest qualities?

Pug D: I’m honest and hard-working. This tends to offend most co-workers.

I’m intelligent and informed. This tends to offend most supervisors.

I expect others to do their job. This tends to offend most supervisors and co-workers.

I’m not intimidated, flattering or humbled in the presence of supervisors. This tends to offend most supervisors.

I have the opinion that most people are fucking idiots. This tends to offend most supervisors and co-workers.

I don’t apologize for things that are not my fault. This tends to offend some supervisors and clients.

I don’t tell people crap is gold. This tends to offend some supervisors and clients.

I have the opinion that your lack of preparation is not my emergency. This tends to offend all supervisors and some clients.

I won’t take the blame that your priority didn’t get done because it had to be set aside for your OTHER priority - AGAIN! This tends to offend all supervisors.

I think the boss is the least essential position in the company, a non-contributing miscreant parasite living the high life off the efforts of everyone else. This tends to offend most bosses.

Oops! Did I say all that out loud? How long have you been listening?

HR Jane: We’ll be interviewing for the rest of the week and if you don’t hear from us we’ll keep your resume on file for one year.

Thank you for coming in, Mr. D!

To all who suffer the frustration caused by daring to attempt a successful commercial website, TasteeTees.com humbly offers this simple prayer.

THE GOOGLE PRAYER

Our Search Engine which art in cyberspace,
Google be thy name.
Thy Googlebots come.
Thy algorithm be done on company intranets
as it is in cyberspace.

Give us this day our daily high page rank.
And forgive us our reciprocal links,
As we forgive those that place ahead of us.
And lead us not into the temptation of mirror sites.
But deliver us from link farms.

For thine is the top query, and the zeitgeist
and the highest search engine placement forever!
A-Brin.